You can tell a lot about a person when you share a tandem bike. Sure, at first, it seems like a fun novelty–hey, look at that! A bicycle built for two. Just like that song, the one that goes….something, something, on a bicycle built for two. (Okay, never mind the song.)
It’s pretty much the picture-perfect Sunday outing, and it’s all cute and good at the beginning. You and your boyfriend set out on the bike, feeling so J Crew catalog. (Note: This works best if you are both adorable and of different ethnicities.) You’re all like, “I feel the wind ruffling my Esplanade skirt in seersucker eyelet!” while your beau fights to keep his printed jacquard baseball hat on his head. Since you’re not steering, perhaps you pull out a compact (so retro!) and apply the perfect shade of orangy-red lipstick–just like in the catalog!
But then, when you actually do start pedaling, something seems off. You and your boyfriend are…out of sync, somehow. Plus, he calls this steering? The bike is veering all over the boardwalk like your Aunt Gertrude after a couple of drinks after bingo. Just when you think it can’t get worse, he stops outside some dive and says, “Hey, sweetie, let’s just check out a few minutes of the hockey game. You don’t mind, do you?”
After you’ve nipped that in the bud and have taken over the steering, a cat runs across the boardwalk in front of you. What the hell is a cat doing at the beach? Of course, being an animal lover, you brake hard. How were you to know that your boyfriend would go flying headfirst into the sand? He seems kind of annoyed, especially since he had road rash and his printed jacquard baseball hat is now jammed down over his eyes.
Damn it. At this rate this is going, you’ll be stuck wearing that Sophie dress in classic faille in all eight colors. I mean, always a bridesmaid, never a bride, right? You’ve already worked your way through Haven Blue, Sea Spray, Coral Sunset, and Crushed Berry. It’s just not fair. Not fair at all.
Note: This bizarre and random blog post was inspired by a conversation I overheard about a disastrous second date that involved a tandem bike ride.